Skip to main content

dropping the reins

In this pursuit of real, I realized that some of my closest relationships were anything but. Because I had all these expectations, all these ideals, of how they should be, how the other person should act, in order for me to have what I wanted, or felt that I needed. If I was after real, I was going to have to examine these relationships. and I was going to have to relinquish my control.

I did. I dropped the reins and handed them back to their rightful owners. I decided that I would rather have nothing than continue to force another to be an unwilling puppet in the show of my life. It sent me into a tailspin. For someone who is accustomed to being in the driver's seat, to surrender it is crushing defeat.

I struggled. I fought. I sat on my hands every time I wanted to reach over and take back the wheel. I cried out but the answer was always the same. Let it go. Let them be. Real is interaction between two free people. You have kept their hands tied long enough.

That hit me hard. My expectations had tied their hands, shut their mouths, forced them to be someone they were not in order to be someone I wanted. Me, the advocate of freedom and truth, was enslaving them to me and my desires. 

I quit struggling. I quit fighting. I waited. and I watched, as it all fell apart.

This was what I had wanted. Real. Honest. Uncontrolled. Natural. 
Painful in its loss, glorious in its truth. 

In the real, I recognize what I had held on to for too long, which ones I had tied to me in the ropes of expectations and how, once freed, release was necessary. I don't mourn. I understand that everything has a season, and kept beyond its time, reduces the harvest available.  I am thankful for what they imparted, anticipating who will fill their vacated gap.

In the real, I recognize what untied hands do for the ones who, once freed, embraced their liberty and became deliberate in their pursuit of me. Witnessing the growth, the grace with which they have stepped into their true purpose inside our relationship...that has completely undone me, that has shown me that people, even absent of my control, still desire to be with me, yes even me. 

This is healing of rejection's deep and ugly wounds.
This is real.
This is freedom.






Comments

Popular posts from this blog

racism inside of america...part 1 - in the church

Because this post also fits into another of my series - where the church gets it wrong - I will add the same disclaimer:

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church (When I say "church", I mean as a whole entity, not necessarily one denomination or actual building, etc., but as I see her, the Bride of Jesus, of which I am a part. I do not mean to condemn or judge her as an outsider, but simply to encourage her to even greater love, from the inside out. I also acknowledge my own involvement in the past (and even now) in less than stellar behavior before fully grasping just how deep and wide and far the grace and love of our Father flows.) can fully be operational in His Love.

Racism. It's a dressed up word for an ugliness that this country seems unable, or unwilling, to purge itself from. The struggles have been long and hard for all people of …

get out of the pit and live

*Friends don't let friends wallow.

Sometimes people want you to agree with their negativity-and then want you to just be okay with them living there. They’re perfectly content to live in the “sucky,” though they know it sucks & they don’t want to live there-they just don’t want to change enough to actually make a change.

This post hit me right in my mind, my heart, and all my feels. I am stubborn. Like, stubborn with a capital S. For most of my life, if I wanted to wallow, I expected everyone in my life to either leave me alone, there in that mess, or join me, which really justified my thoughts. I was that friend, perfectly content in the sucky.

Jesus isn’t gonna just sit around & wallow with us in our mess. He’s not gonna be like, “Aw, I’m sorry, baby, let’s just go ahead & make some snow angels in this.” No. He’s like, “All right we got this handled, let’s go; moving forward,” because He wants more for us.

It wasn't like I didn't know that I was wallowin…

where the church gets it wrong...mental illness

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church* can fully be operational in His Love.




Suicide.
It is all over the news this week. again. And every time, my thoughts are the same : why do we have people around us who are hopeless? We are supposed to carry the very essence of Hope within us, so what are we, The Church, doing wrong?

For starters, we are not acknowledging mental illness. I know this firsthand. (You can read about our family's struggle with mental illness and acceptance here ) We question the validity of science, and the exact causes of depression and anxiety. Science is not the enemy here. The enemy is our flagrant stubbornness to recognize the truth of many studies performed by those more qualified than I.

We offer our thoughts, opinions, and prayers, and little else in the way of actual help. Do I believe in the healing power of positivity? of p…