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dropping the reins

In this pursuit of real, I realized that some of my closest relationships were anything but. Because I had all these expectations, all these ideals, of how they should be, how the other person should act, in order for me to have what I wanted, or felt that I needed. If I was after real, I was going to have to examine these relationships. and I was going to have to relinquish my control.

I did. I dropped the reins and handed them back to their rightful owners. I decided that I would rather have nothing than continue to force another to be an unwilling puppet in the show of my life. It sent me into a tailspin. For someone who is accustomed to being in the driver's seat, to surrender it is crushing defeat.

I struggled. I fought. I sat on my hands every time I wanted to reach over and take back the wheel. I cried out but the answer was always the same. Let it go. Let them be. Real is interaction between two free people. You have kept their hands tied long enough.

That hit me hard. My expectations had tied their hands, shut their mouths, forced them to be someone they were not in order to be someone I wanted. Me, the advocate of freedom and truth, was enslaving them to me and my desires. 

I quit struggling. I quit fighting. I waited. and I watched, as it all fell apart.

This was what I had wanted. Real. Honest. Uncontrolled. Natural. 
Painful in its loss, glorious in its truth. 

In the real, I recognize what I had held on to for too long, which ones I had tied to me in the ropes of expectations and how, once freed, release was necessary. I don't mourn. I understand that everything has a season, and kept beyond its time, reduces the harvest available.  I am thankful for what they imparted, anticipating who will fill their vacated gap.

In the real, I recognize what untied hands do for the ones who, once freed, embraced their liberty and became deliberate in their pursuit of me. Witnessing the growth, the grace with which they have stepped into their true purpose inside our relationship...that has completely undone me, that has shown me that people, even absent of my control, still desire to be with me, yes even me. 

This is healing of rejection's deep and ugly wounds.
This is real.
This is freedom.


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