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the give and take

Somewhere, somehow, we've picked up this belief that relationships are a 50/50 endeavor. You give and I give. You take and I take. We have these preconceived allocations of how much, and it has to be a perfect balance, an equivalent counterweight.

It's a misguided notion that ends with unmet expectations, both from others and of ourselves. If, at any point, the other takes more, gives less, we run to our drawing board, we add and subtract, we calculate the answers based on our  intentions. And they come up lacking. 

Or, we constantly measure ourselves against the others actions. Are we giving enough? Are we taking too much? Do our own insecurities cause us to tip the scales unfairly? We are desperate to maintain some semblance of uniformity. And we come up lacking.

We each separately draw this arbitrary line, calling it "the middle", the meeting ground of our equal give and take. We do our part and we wait, impatiently at our line in the sand, watching for the others countermove, weighing it against our own, becoming the judge and jury in this courtroom where the guilty verdict is read before the accused even realizes they are being charged. It's an unspoken battlefield where dreams are shattered, lies are believed, and connections are broken.

When our actions are measured against what we should be receiving, and lack is perceived, frustration breeds contempt. We become hurt and offended, birthing an entitlement mentality that tells us we are owed our "legitimate" compensation. 

We become the adult version of a child whining that it isn't fair. 

Life is less complicated when we focus on our hearts instead of lines, when we give our all instead of percentages. We can erase our assumptions, allowing love to fill the equations. We can take off our robes of contempt, lay down our gavels of judgment, vacating the courtroom of our minds.

What if, in every situation, with every relationship, we desired to do our best, and no less? if we dropped our measuring sticks, and just lived from a home of love? if we put an end to the give and take? What if we allowed grace to come sweeping in, eradicating all of our expectations and replacing them with a freedom to just be who we are, and for others to just be who they are?

I'm not saying that we should become doormats, giving others the liberty to walk through our grace with boots muddy from selfishness and manipulation. It is completely acceptable for us to decide that we no longer want what another is serving us. We have the freedom to take a step back, or to leave any table, at any time.

What we don't have the right to do is criticize what they are serving or how they are serving it, whether we are still at their table, have left it, or were never partaking in the first place.  

Becoming aware of what our best looks like means that we will have times where we fall short, when our best is far less than the best we know we can do. It's okay. We recognize, we adjust, we forgive ourselves, we apologize to others. We get back on the horse and we try again. We stop making excuses and we change. 

And we give that grace to others to go through the same process.





 

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