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Showing posts from April, 2014

forgiveness breeds healing

The first time I wrote about it was really just a warning, a disclosure of sorts, to the people around me who had been unaware of this part of my life. It was my way of saying, "Hey, this is what I went through. I am not willing to process it yet, but one day I might, so be forewarned : I am an abuse survivor."

Then, in the midst of the biggest process to date (stay tuned for that one later), I realize that it and this one are holding hands, that they are intertwined and impossible to detach one from the other. Ready or not, this one is staring me in the face, demanding that it be walked through, worked out, processed, healed...and released. Really God, I have to go through two of the toughest things, at the same time?! Because I have already discussed the root of my latest fear, this is the one I am writing on, though both are being walked out simultaneously.

I have heard that one way to heal hurts from the past is to go back to that place, relive it in a way, but this time…

me and a gun. and fear.

The area reverberated with gunshots. Shell casings littered the floor. In the far corner, I felt trapped. Too many people lined the narrow room, preventing my escape. I wanted out. I needed out. I couldn't breathe. Uncontrollable fear was pushing its way to the surface. The room was cold. I was sweating. Tears were threatening to fall but I knew that that would be the action that would cause the dam to break. The tiny shred of control that I had would then be lost and chaos would ensue. I knew what was happening. I knew that I was in the grip of a panic attack. I just didn't know why. and at that moment, I didn't care why. I knew that I had to restrain these feelings, compose myself. Long minutes passed by while the rest of my class continued with their target practice. By the time my turn came, I was collected enough to shoot again. I had elected to participate in this gun safety course. I own a gun. I had shot guns before. So, why was this happening now?


moving mountains

Strip away the layers and reveal your soul. Give yourself up and then you become whole. Matisyahu

Occasionally, I will look back over my blog posts and my journals to see how I've progressed, if I've progressed, which mountains I seem to have overcome, and which I am circling again. I struggle daily against perfectionism and I use this to mentally spur myself on, or beat myself up, depending on how I perceive the forward momentum taking place. It is never really an uplifting experience. No one in my life has ever been as hard on me as I have been on myself.

Last week, I was doing it again when Jesus showed me my mountains the way that He sees them. Yes, they may be the same mountain. Yes, I may be circling it again. But, every time that I make my way with Him, in Him, we are defeating another layer of it, stripping it away, and disposing of it permanently. Across the horizon, I could see the areas that I have struggled with for years, the ones that I would beat myself up for …