in the midst of metamorphosis

Once again, it is in the spotlight. Famous people, youtube videos, the month of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, all of this lending more insight into this issue. or not. Because, I'll just be honest, while I know what the words mean, while I spent years involved in an abusive relationship, I'm not sure that I have any more insight as to the whys - why I didn't leave, why I didn't tell, why I protected him, why I didn't fight back, why I did, why I stayed so long after that first time, why when I finally did leave, it wasn't even a factor in my decision. This is what I do know : it seemed to be all around me at that time. I'm not sure if I ever saw it played out in front of my eyes - more like a perception that it was there, lurking behind everyone's closed doors. It was in the way that they (the guys) acted, in the way that we (the girls) reacted. It was in the motions, the looks, the words that weren't being said. It was al

This will be a series of posts in which I honor people who have made an impact in my life, both in my past and in my present. I am blessed to still have some of these people in my life; others have left this life for another; and still others are no longer a part of my close circle, yet still made a difference to me. I want to share them with you. I want to honor them. I want them to know how much I love and respect them. The third one is dedicated to one of my very best friends, Casey B. "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson When I met you, a little over two years ago, you were unlike everyone else in my life at that time. You came in like a whirlwind, blowing away all of my insecurities about who I am. You taught me that it is okay to embrace the real me, with all of my junk, and faults, and scars;  that being true to myself is more important than being what others wan

Over two years ago, I wrote a post honoring my grandma F., who left this life 20+ years ago. You can read it  here to understand the picture of my latest tattoo. This is an update to that original post. You know how the little things are always appreciated more later in life? That is how I feel about relationships. I had so many in my earlier years, before I really knew what they meant, what those people meant, and now I can only wonder. Wonder if they understood that I was young, that I hadn't lived completely yet, that I couldn't wholly grasp the importance of life and love and what it meant to embrace fully those by my side. My grandma is one of those that I wish that I could spend time with again, time spent looking at her with these new eyes, listening with these wiser ears, talking with her about life from this place that I dwell in now. Growing up, I never, ever felt any judgment or condemnation from her, even though I was living a life outside of her understanding

The area reverberated with gunshots. Shell casings littered the floor. In the far corner, I felt trapped. Too many people lined the narrow room, preventing my escape. I wanted out. I needed out. I couldn't breathe. Uncontrollable fear was pushing its way to the surface. The room was cold. I was sweating. Tears were threatening to fall but I knew that that would be the action that would cause the dam to break. The tiny shred of control that I had would then be lost and chaos would ensue. I knew what was happening. I knew that I was in the grip of a panic attack. I just didn't know why. and at that moment, I didn't care why. I knew that I had to restrain these feelings, compose myself. Long minutes passed by while the rest of my class continued with their target practice. By the time my turn came, I was collected enough to shoot again. I had elected to participate in this gun safety course. I own a gun. I had shot guns before. So, why was this happening now? A

This will be a series of posts in which I honor people who have made an impact in my life, both in my past and in my present. I am blessed to still have some of these people in my life; others have left this life for their next one; and still others are no longer a part of my close circle, yet still made a difference to me. I want to share them with you. I want to honor them. I want them to know how much I love and respect them. The second one is dedicated to my first spiritual mentor, Kathy O. She is the most dynamic person that I have ever met. She just oozes Love through every one of her pores. And it isn't anything about what she does, it is who she is . I am convinced that even during the lowest times in her life, that she still exudes Love in every way. Her love for all others was beautiful to observe as she walked with me through life as a newlywed and as a new mom, all while walking through these same areas herself. She stretched me to want more, to desire