in the midst of metamorphosis

We have grown apart. I have heard this as a reason to end relationships, both of the married and of the friend kind. We are no longer on the same path. We no longer see eye to eye on this, or any, matter.  He changed, she changed, they changed, I changed. We all change. If a person doesn't change, I am concerned for them. honestly. Every new day brings more opportunities for growth, for an expansion of who we are, a progressive transformation into who we are becoming. I understand the fear of change. I spent too much time stuck in the miry mess of worry over who I was, anxiety over who I could be, frozen in a state of doing what I thought was expected, while never being who I was created to be. Being liberated from that chaos has brought a freedom to not only accept this metamorphosis of mine, but to welcome it. As I have traveled this road of transition, I have learned so many lessons. Among them is the lesson that change is indeed beautiful. As I give myself permis...

The journey for us started 21 months ago. It has been one of the best gifts that we have ever given ourselves. We’ve grown in ways that we only imagined before and can honestly say that our marriage is stronger, deeper, and better than ever before. We are living in the best, that elusive place we longed for. I don’t mind sharing our journey with all of you. Sooner or later, all of the pieces of my life make it into these pages. This post is one of those pieces that I’ve kept to myself and my close others for awhile. This part of our journey has been mine alone. ... 5 sessions in and I knew. We couldn’t continue until I found some healing. What I was searching for with us - a whole, healthy relationship - was being hindered by my own brokenness. I was dragging every piece of my shattered life, from childhood on, into this marriage and expecting... ...Expecting him to fix me, to fix all the tarnished and busted parts; to climb down from his white horse, in his shiny armor, and...

I am a thinker. A lot of thoughts flow in my mind and sometimes they spend an abundance of time drifting around in there. If I don't intentionally examine each one for truth, they will seek out other like-minded mates, binding together for strength and twisting in ways that mask their falsehoods. Unattended to, they will wait at the back of my throat, looking to seep out, giving voice to inaccurate representations of who I am, and worse, who others are. Unfortunately, we seem to hurt the ones we say we love the most, and my hubby has probably been the biggest recipient of these distorted words. I know who I am. I know who he is. And yet, there are times that my wounds have walked in agreement with these flawed thoughts and created counterfeit truths. And then, I have turned these mere thoughts into detrimental words, disintegrating into narrow-minded actions. What previously had no power has now become a powerful force of destruction, a cancerous mass of cells threatening the hea...

Exactly one year ago, the hubby and I renewed our wedding vows. It wasn't our actual wedding anniversary - that is still two months away. It was a date that I had picked based on the numbers, 8/16.  . 8 signifies the ushering in of a new era, a regeneration, and new beginnings. 16 is the number of love. . My intentions were to start the next 25 years off more in love than ever before; to move from good to better to the best we could be together. Of course, life has a funny way of walking me through my intentions to the reward on the other side! And so, just four months later, we were sitting in an office​, across from a marriage counselor, working our way to best. (you can find that story here lesson #1 )  . It was in this office that I found a safety to explore my roots of rejection, the vines that had sprouted from that place, and the damaging fruit that I had been partaking in because of it. It had become my go-to, my comfort food of choice, my sour wine that I co...

25 years together. We've weathered a lot in that time, some of it trivial and petty, some of it damaging and painful. Why now? was the question posed to us at the beginning of our first session of marriage counseling. There was nothing major. No breaking points. No huge disagreements​. Nothing bad. We were good. But, good was beginning to feel inadequate. Good felt like settling. We no longer wanted just good.  We wanted to be better. We wanted the best. And so, off we went to counseling, hubby kicking and screaming. Okay, maybe that is a bit dramatic, but definitely dragging his feet and muttering! But, he loves me more than he dislikes this new, uncomfortable situation, and so he shows up, not just physically, but all of him shows up for all of me , and I love him even more for that. It's in this showing up that we found our better. We  found a place to be safe, to be real, to be love, to be transparent. All the aspects that we already are, just on a deeper ...