in the midst of metamorphosis

    **I don't know Britney Spears, why she did the things she did, or what her life was like growing up. These are just thoughts about my life, my assumptions of hers, and how the church is the one thread that weaves its way through both our lives.      Britney and I were both raised in church. Certain beliefs were instilled in us, even if only in subliminal ways (again, I don't actually know her life). Be a good girl, good daughter, good christian, good wife. The man/husband/father is the head of the home. What he says goes. What we want or have to say isn't important, our voice isn't important. Women, like children, are to be seen, not heard. Even while rising to her stardom, I'm sure these thoughts were always a part of her. The world may have been watching her, judging her, but more importantly, god (man) was watching and isn't he the ultimate judge?  be a good girl For years, Britney has used her voice in ways that entertained the masses. She used her ...

Deconstruct - to take apart or examine something in order to reveal the basis or composition often with the intention of exposing biases, flaws, or inconsistencies. This will be my most raw and real series yet. I do not plan to "work" these posts as I usually do, spending energy writing and rewriting over time until they seem acceptable for publication. That feels too much like how I became firmly ensconced in this miry pit to begin with. It is my truth, laid bare, as I see and feel and recall it. It is my story to tell, in my words, in my way.  This is my deconstruction out of religion. (told in snippets of memories, without adhering to a linear timeline) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shock kept the words from truly registering. They were heard. They were understood. They felt like birds trapped in a too small space, desperately flapping to escape the confinement of their truth. They were seeking freedom to leave, now , but were rooted t...

Remember the movie Freaky Friday   in which the mother and daughter inhabit each others body and chaos ensues until, finally, they have a deeper understanding of the other? Anyone else feel like they are living that right now? No? Just me? Okay. I have been using this time of Covid-19 and quarantining ( I talk about that here ) to delve even deeper into this new direction that I am headed; to sift through the pieces that no longer serve me and to gather the ones that will; to draw closer to those that support my goals and to become aware of those who don't. My dreams are big and new and intimidating at times, and I am discovering a fresh determination welling up on the inside. This time has been good and necessary. And here is where the freaky friday reel begins to play, except there is no one else. Just the me before the corona virus and the me during. It's like I know who I was then, and I can see the shift into who I am now. and there is a gap that I am unsure of how t...

I am not going to tread lightly here. I am going to stomp over feelings and mindsets and long-accepted ideas and traditional avenues of right and wrong. I am going to speak bluntly, transparently, from my heart. I am going to shed light on my perspective, illuminating the path that has driven me to my truth. I am going to smash the ceiling of religion. I don't ask you to agree, only to be respectful of my narrative. ~~~~~~~~~~ Growing up inside of a conservative home, inside of a conservative religion, smack dab in the midst of  conservative country, led to some pretty conservative experiences. I played the game, never questioning the black and white truths being preached at me from every angle. I swallowed them down and regurgitated them on command. Do this, don't do that. This is right, that is wrong. Your aim is heaven, but it looks like we are all doomed to hell.   . Disillusioned with this overly narrow road that my exceedingly wide thinking never seems t...

We have grown apart. I have heard this as a reason to end relationships, both of the married and of the friend kind. We are no longer on the same path. We no longer see eye to eye on this, or any, matter.  He changed, she changed, they changed, I changed. We all change. If a person doesn't change, I am concerned for them. honestly. Every new day brings more opportunities for growth, for an expansion of who we are, a progressive transformation into who we are becoming. I understand the fear of change. I spent too much time stuck in the miry mess of worry over who I was, anxiety over who I could be, frozen in a state of doing what I thought was expected, while never being who I was created to be. Being liberated from that chaos has brought a freedom to not only accept this metamorphosis of mine, but to welcome it. As I have traveled this road of transition, I have learned so many lessons. Among them is the lesson that change is indeed beautiful. As I give myself permis...

The journey for us started 21 months ago. It has been one of the best gifts that we have ever given ourselves. We’ve grown in ways that we only imagined before and can honestly say that our marriage is stronger, deeper, and better than ever before. We are living in the best, that elusive place we longed for. I don’t mind sharing our journey with all of you. Sooner or later, all of the pieces of my life make it into these pages. This post is one of those pieces that I’ve kept to myself and my close others for awhile. This part of our journey has been mine alone. ... 5 sessions in and I knew. We couldn’t continue until I found some healing. What I was searching for with us - a whole, healthy relationship - was being hindered by my own brokenness. I was dragging every piece of my shattered life, from childhood on, into this marriage and expecting... ...Expecting him to fix me, to fix all the tarnished and busted parts; to climb down from his white horse, in his shiny armor, and...

Trust. This one word stirs up a whirlwind of emotions within me. What is trust, really? I know the definition but what does it mean to me? I was part of a trust experiment a few years ago in which we were supposed to tell others, “I trust you with my cat. I trust you with my wallet. I trust you with my spouse.” I couldn’t do it. I walked out rather than say those words. It would have been a lie, would have been fake. I refuse to be less than my truth, so my defense mechanism is to just walk  run away. (I am working on that. slowly.) On my way out the door though, I realized just how deep my roots of distrust run. I mean, I love our cat but he is a real jerk and I still  couldn’t trust another to care for him! I have trust issues. I admit that. We, as a society, seem to throw that phrase around as our get out of jail free card.  Can you trust me? No, I have trust issues. We justify our lack of trust by pointing out who and when and how our trust has been betrayed an...

Rejection formed a lot of my earliest thoughts about my worth, and it was from that atmosphere that people pleasing was birthed. I didn't know my truth. I simply knew theirs, and adjusted who I was accordingly. I accepted their thoughts, their opinions, their words about who I was, and I swallowed it all, deep within me, until I was all those people. and none of them. an inaccurate representation of who I was created to be. Two years ago, I felt the shift coming. I knew that change was on the horizon, but it was hazy, unclear. Still, I welcomed it with open arms. I journeyed into my known and my unknown, into my remaining masks and my authored identity, into who I thought I should be and who I was created to be. It was here that I quieted all other voices. It was here that I removed all that was hindering my sight. It was here that I shifted my priorities, smashed my idols, surrendered my self, and gave my all, to sink, unhindered, wholly, into Love's heart.  It was compl...