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the deconstruction of my life and other not-so-fun moments : patriachy, britney, and finding my voice

 

 

**I don't know Britney Spears, why she did the things she did, or what her life was like growing up. These are just thoughts about my life, my assumptions of hers, and how the church is the one thread that weaves its way through both our lives. 

 

 


Britney and I were both raised in church. Certain beliefs were instilled in us, even if only in subliminal ways (again, I don't actually know her life). Be a good girl, good daughter, good christian, good wife. The man/husband/father is the head of the home. What he says goes. What we want or have to say isn't important, our voice isn't important. Women, like children, are to be seen, not heard. Even while rising to her stardom, I'm sure these thoughts were always a part of her. The world may have been watching her, judging her, but more importantly, god (man) was watching and isn't he the ultimate judge? 

be a good girl

For years, Britney has used her voice in ways that entertained the masses. She used her voice to perform, to give us what we wanted, to be a good girl. We were the congregation, gathered around her stage as she wielded the mike as her personal pulpit. There, she was free to use her voice. until she wasn't. When it all seemed to be spiraling out of control, she submissively allowed the head of her to take the reins of control, to steal her voice. 

be a good girl

She did her part. She was a good girl. She swallowed her words, her reality, and continued to play her part for the multitudes. She became less her and more of what they wanted. Say these words, deny those truths. until truth rose like a phoenix, burning its way through her and erupting like a beautiful, refining fire up her throat and out of her mouth, trailing freedom in its wake!

fuck being good. In stating her truth, she became powerful!

Now, finally, at 39, she is using her voice for her. She is setting aside that outdated, patriarchal idea that wants to shush her, that demands her to sit quietly in a corner, in deference to what others men want. She is using her voice to shed light on areas that she felt shamed into hiding. She is using her voice to speak her truths, her way. She is using her voice to carve a path that looks like her, feels right to her.

She is standing up and speaking out and refusing to be silenced. She is doing this solely for herself, but her path is lighting the way for every woman that has ever had her voice minimized by the church, by patriarchy, for every woman shushed by a man. Regardless of how this all plays out, she has thrown the blanket off of her cage and allowed the whole world to peek inside. There's no going back to hiding.

In my life, I have felt that smothering blanket. be a good girl  I have had bible verses play in my head. be a good girl  I have had men's voices on a mental repeat. be a good girl  I have struggled to find my truth while being forced to accept another's. be a good girl   I have found my words, only to be shushed. be a good girl

It took me a long time to decide that I had zero interest in being good. I just want to be real. Now, when I hear those toxic thoughts telling me that my truth is not truth, that my words have no validity, that I should be seen and not heard, well.... I say fuck that.

and so should you.






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