in the midst of metamorphosis

    Deconstruction is not for the weak. I use this phrase often because it is so very true. Weak doesn't ask questions because it is seen as disruptive. Weak doesn't rock the boat because it is seen as interference. Weak doesn't leave the fold to explore because it is seen as disobedience.  Weak sits meekly, waiting passively to inherit the fruits of another's labor. Weak swallows down all that rises up against the status quo, effectively becoming quite ineffective. Weak believes that its very weakness is a virtue, a symbolic step on the ascension to those pearly gates. I know because I have been there. I have done that. I have been weak with a capital W. I have sat down, and shut up, and done my best to be a "good little ___" (fill in the blank with whatever title fits for you that I am currently not living up to - churchgoer? daughter? friend? christian?). Because I am a lot of things, but if the version of me that you know - or want - is meek or submissive ...

    About ten years ago, I caught on to this revolutionary (to me) idea of radical love. I wanted more than anything to be   Love, the mouthpiece, the hands, the feet of Jesus, the very embodiment of all that love is. I spoke about love and forgiveness, acceptance and grace. I was the voice. I helped feed the hungry and clothe the poor. I was the hands. I went about my life, in my own town, in another country, spreading this newfound love. I was the feet. The more I swam in the deep of this reckless sea of unadulterated love, the freer I was. It was liberating like no other point of my christian walk had been. I knew authenticity and openness and joy in limitless ways. This love was overflowing and I gave it away freely. but The church is not in the free business. It became quite clear that I was being too   free with my approach. Yes, god gives grace, BUT... Yes, god forgives, BUT... Yes, god accepts all, BUT... Of course god loves all, BUT... So, I tempered my love...

  Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them." Matthew 22:37-40 Love has always been a big deal for me. If I have nothing left at the end of this journey, I sincerely hope that Love is still standing strong. Throughout my christian walk, the one constant that I have believed about Love is this: it is unwavering, unconditional, extravagant and indiscriminately lavished upon all. And that sounds perfect and good and exactly how a creator would feel about their creation, right? So, you can imagine how one begins to question this sweeping love of god that is deep and wide, encompassing all in its vast path, with the love being preached over pulpits every week. Love all ... but tell those of the ...

    For years, I was convinced that love was the answer. What was the question? It didn't matter. Love was always the correct response.  The church teaches that if someone wrongs us, love them. Whether the slap to the cheek is literal or metaphoric, just love them. We are reminded of the verse in Luke to "love your enemies, do good to them...then your reward will be great." We have heard many times what the ideal love, the perfect love, looks like (1 Corinthians 13). In short, the message relayed to every church goer is this: the more we love, the better a person we are. And, as Jesus followers, we want that. We want to be love, in the flesh. We want to obtain this perfection. We want to be more like Jesus. And so, we sit under teachings that are setting us up to be used, to be victimized, to be forgivers in light of the worst atrocities, and forgetters of the sins committed against us, because That. Is. Love. But, is it? Is that really what Jesus meant by loving uncondit...

I am not going to tread lightly here. I am going to stomp over feelings and mindsets and long-accepted ideas and traditional avenues of right and wrong. I am going to speak bluntly, transparently, from my heart. I am going to shed light on my perspective, illuminating the path that has driven me to my truth. I am going to smash the ceiling of religion. I don't ask you to agree, only to be respectful of my narrative. ~~~~~~~~~~ Growing up inside of a conservative home, inside of a conservative religion, smack dab in the midst of  conservative country, led to some pretty conservative experiences. I played the game, never questioning the black and white truths being preached at me from every angle. I swallowed them down and regurgitated them on command. Do this, don't do that. This is right, that is wrong. Your aim is heaven, but it looks like we are all doomed to hell.   . Disillusioned with this overly narrow road that my exceedingly wide thinking never seems t...

We have grown apart. I have heard this as a reason to end relationships, both of the married and of the friend kind. We are no longer on the same path. We no longer see eye to eye on this, or any, matter.  He changed, she changed, they changed, I changed. We all change. If a person doesn't change, I am concerned for them. honestly. Every new day brings more opportunities for growth, for an expansion of who we are, a progressive transformation into who we are becoming. I understand the fear of change. I spent too much time stuck in the miry mess of worry over who I was, anxiety over who I could be, frozen in a state of doing what I thought was expected, while never being who I was created to be. Being liberated from that chaos has brought a freedom to not only accept this metamorphosis of mine, but to welcome it. As I have traveled this road of transition, I have learned so many lessons. Among them is the lesson that change is indeed beautiful. As I give myself permis...

Because this post also fits into another of my series - where the church gets it wrong - I will add the same disclaimer: I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church* can fully be operational in Love. Racism. It's a dressed up word for an ugliness that this country seems unable, or unwilling, to purge itself from. The struggles have been long and hard for all people of color here, and that is unacceptable. It is unacceptable for me, and it should be unacceptable for you. This isn't about following a famous football star or television personality or even our former president . This isn't about ratings or approval or 'jumping on the bandwagon'. This is about ending, once and for all, the inequalities, the abuses, the myths and fallacies, and the mistreatment of POC. and that is something that the church should be concerned with. Bri...

Somewhere, somehow, we've picked up this belief that relat ionships are a 50/50 endeavor. You give and I give. You take and I take. We have these preconc ei ved allocations of how mu ch, and it has to be a perfect balance , an equivalent counterweight. It's a misguided notion that ends with unmet expectations, both from others and of ourselves. If, at any point, the other takes more, gives less, we run to our drawing board, we add and subtract, we calculate the answers based on our   intentions . And they come up lacking.  Or, we constantly measure ourselves against the others actions. Are we giving enough? Are we taking too much? Do our own insecurities cause us to tip the scales unfairly? We are desp e rate to maintain some semblance of uniformity. And we come up lacking. We each separately draw this arbitrary line, calling it "the middle", the meeting ground of our equal give and take. We do our part and we wait, impatiently at our line in the sand, watc...

The journey for us started 21 months ago. It has been one of the best gifts that we have ever given ourselves. We’ve grown in ways that we only imagined before and can honestly say that our marriage is stronger, deeper, and better than ever before. We are living in the best, that elusive place we longed for. I don’t mind sharing our journey with all of you. Sooner or later, all of the pieces of my life make it into these pages. This post is one of those pieces that I’ve kept to myself and my close others for awhile. This part of our journey has been mine alone. ... 5 sessions in and I knew. We couldn’t continue until I found some healing. What I was searching for with us - a whole, healthy relationship - was being hindered by my own brokenness. I was dragging every piece of my shattered life, from childhood on, into this marriage and expecting... ...Expecting him to fix me, to fix all the tarnished and busted parts; to climb down from his white horse, in his shiny armor, and...

I cannot fix others. It took me a very long time to understand that, maybe longer to stop trying. I love people. I especially love my people, my tribe of important others in my life. When they would come to me, bearing their problems and dilemmas all packaged nicely in matching baggage, I would set to work. I would unpack and sort, arrange and label, find solutions and give opinions. I would fix. I have this uncanny ability to see all sides of an issue. It’s where my middle-of-the-road approach to life was birthed. From this vantage point, I am given a full 360 degrees of reasons and choices, hows and whys, the nuts and bolts of issues and solutions. And I was only too happy to share this information. Why? Because it made me feel wanted, necessary, needed. Inside of a thought life that was constantly questioning my worth and value, trying to find where, or even if, I had a place in others lives, I knew for that moment in time I was important to them. If I could only fix their pr...

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church* can fully be operational in Love. Suicide. It is all over the news this week. again. And every time, my thoughts are the same : why do we have people around us who are hopeless? We are supposed to carry the very essence of Hope within us, so what are we , The Church, doing wrong? For starters, we are not acknowledging mental illness. I know this firsthand. (You can read about our family's struggle with mental illness and acceptance here ) We question the validity of science, and the exact causes of depression and anxiety. Science is not the enemy here. The enemy is our flagrant stubbornness to recognize the truth of many studies performed by those more qualified than I. We offer our thoughts, opinions, and prayers, and little else in the way of actual help. Do I believe in the healing power of positivity...

As I was reading Brene Brown's latest book, Braving The Wilderness , this literally jumped off the page and into my heart. This explained my latest lesson perfectly. Let me rephrase it the way that my brain saw it : If spouses really want their loved one to show up, speak out, take chances, and innovate, we each have to create cultures where the other feels safe - where their belonging is not threatened by speaking out and they are supported when they make the decision to brave the wilderness, stand alone, and speak truth to bullshit.   I want to show up and speak out, with a transparency that begs for a deeper intimacy. I want to take chances and bring new ideas to our relationship that catapults us even higher. I want to be vulnerable and open and speak honestly. And I want all of those things for him as well. When I first met my hubby, I was fresh out of an abusive relationship. Like 3 weeks fresh. I was a walking mess of fear and insecurity. I didn...

About a month ago, I put this*(pic below) on my car because I desire to live in a world where we can all coexist. One where kindness overtakes lack of understanding, where generosity outshines differences, and where love wins the battle against fear and hatred. I have to believe that most all of us want that same world, but what do our words say? our actions? What are we saying to, or about, those who look, act, speak, believe, vote, live, worship differently than we do? How are we treating them? with the same love that we wish to be treated with? with the same respect? Change comes when WE change - our thoughts, our words, our actions - and begin to BE the world of love we wish to live in! This was a post that I put up yesterday on two different social media outlets where I share my heart. I knew that it would be better accepted on one of those (5 times better at this writing), but I'm not one to keep quiet about my truth, even when others disagree. That is the true bea...

I am a thinker. A lot of thoughts flow in my mind and sometimes they spend an abundance of time drifting around in there. If I don't intentionally examine each one for truth, they will seek out other like-minded mates, binding together for strength and twisting in ways that mask their falsehoods. Unattended to, they will wait at the back of my throat, looking to seep out, giving voice to inaccurate representations of who I am, and worse, who others are. Unfortunately, we seem to hurt the ones we say we love the most, and my hubby has probably been the biggest recipient of these distorted words. I know who I am. I know who he is. And yet, there are times that my wounds have walked in agreement with these flawed thoughts and created counterfeit truths. And then, I have turned these mere thoughts into detrimental words, disintegrating into narrow-minded actions. What previously had no power has now become a powerful force of destruction, a cancerous mass of cells threatening the hea...

Exactly one year ago, the hubby and I renewed our wedding vows. It wasn't our actual wedding anniversary - that is still two months away. It was a date that I had picked based on the numbers, 8/16.  . 8 signifies the ushering in of a new era, a regeneration, and new beginnings. 16 is the number of love. . My intentions were to start the next 25 years off more in love than ever before; to move from good to better to the best we could be together. Of course, life has a funny way of walking me through my intentions to the reward on the other side! And so, just four months later, we were sitting in an office​, across from a marriage counselor, working our way to best. (you can find that story here lesson #1 )  . It was in this office that I found a safety to explore my roots of rejection, the vines that had sprouted from that place, and the damaging fruit that I had been partaking in because of it. It had become my go-to, my comfort food of choice, my sour wine that I co...

25 years together. We've weathered a lot in that time, some of it trivial and petty, some of it damaging and painful. Why now? was the question posed to us at the beginning of our first session of marriage counseling. There was nothing major. No breaking points. No huge disagreements​. Nothing bad. We were good. But, good was beginning to feel inadequate. Good felt like settling. We no longer wanted just good.  We wanted to be better. We wanted the best. And so, off we went to counseling, hubby kicking and screaming. Okay, maybe that is a bit dramatic, but definitely dragging his feet and muttering! But, he loves me more than he dislikes this new, uncomfortable situation, and so he shows up, not just physically, but all of him shows up for all of me , and I love him even more for that. It's in this showing up that we found our better. We  found a place to be safe, to be real, to be love, to be transparent. All the aspects that we already are, just on a deeper ...

  WARNING : This post does contain some vulgar language. The latest controversy concerning trump is all over the news and social media. And while he is running for our highest office, I am choosing not to make this a political post. Instead, I want to view this from a perspective of sex, values, and that other v word. By now, I am sure that you have read or listened to the words that he had to say about women and the power he feels that his celebrity rank affords him. He isn't the first to use those words. He won't be the last. He isn't even the only man who has used his money, status or notoriety to add another notch to his bed. That definitely doesn't make his statements okay. What it does do is shine a light on what has become the norm; accepted into our society as "boys will be boys" or "no harm, no foul" because words are just words, right? Wrong. Our speech mirrors the thoughts already roaming around our heart. More times than not, on...

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church* can fully be operational in Love.   The church mistakenly gives the impression that they have cornered the market on god's love. They stand atop their soapboxes touting their views as if they are the only truth, looking down their judgmental noses, and trying to sway others to their side. You know, in a me versus you, us versus them, right versus wrong, sort of way. They use fear tactics and condemning words. They are critical and discriminating. They affix their sanctimonious masks firmly, denying their own lessor evils, and protest loudly about "greater" sins. They do all of this while claiming a greater love. Here is what I believe about Love :  it is abundantly lavished on everyone, pursuing us ALL with reckless abandon.  Love doesn't care about which church you attend, or if yo...

**Warning- this post contains adult themes/images** ********************************************************* Freedom. Acceptance. Family. Belonging. Camaraderie. Pride. Love. Anticipation. A deep knowledge of who they are, of being firmly rooted in that, and living from that steadfast place. Home. Open. Honor. Togetherness. Peace. Respect. Identity. Transformation. Wholeness. Laughter. Excitement. Being one. Overcoming. Fun. Lightheartedness. Freedom. I felt so much acceptance there to be exactly who I am, to be free to be the person I was designed to be. I know my identity. I know who I am. And yet the struggle to live that way, completely me, is overwhelming. The sting of rejection, of abandonment, is real and painful. Being enveloped in that atmosphere gave me a renewed sense of the overcoming spirit that is within me. I can do this.  There is a wide, wide world out there just waiting for me to live in it fully, as me, the real me. That may take me to pla...