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the deconstruction of my life and other not-so-fun moments : reckless love

 

 

About ten years ago, I caught on to this revolutionary (to me) idea of radical love. I wanted more than anything to be  Love, the mouthpiece, the hands, the feet of Jesus, the very embodiment of all that love is.

I spoke about love and forgiveness, acceptance and grace. I was the voice.

I helped feed the hungry and clothe the poor. I was the hands.

I went about my life, in my own town, in another country, spreading this newfound love. I was the feet.

The more I swam in the deep of this reckless sea of unadulterated love, the freer I was. It was liberating like no other point of my christian walk had been. I knew authenticity and openness and joy in limitless ways. This love was overflowing and I gave it away freely.

but

The church is not in the free business. It became quite clear that I was being too  free with my approach.

Yes, god gives grace, BUT...

Yes, god forgives, BUT...

Yes, god accepts all, BUT...

Of course god loves all, BUT...

So, I tempered my love, and pieces of me withered and went away, and I'm not sure if they'll ever come back. I'm pissed at the church for their hypocrisy of offering such beautiful gifts that have such ugly strings attached.  

Why? Why couldn't I just love with this overwhelming love?  Because apparently god's love has some pretty hefty strings attached too. But why didn't I ever feel those strings?

And, I became stingy with my grace, and my forgiveness dwindled and went away, and I'm not sure if it will ever surge so mightily again. I'm pissed at myself for being manipulated in this game of heaven and hell.  

Why? Why couldn't I just bestow grace on all indiscriminately?  Because apparently god's grace has some ridiculous rules attached to it.  But why didn't I ever feel the brunt of those rules?

But, at the end of the day, intermixed with these unanswered questions, I also have hope. Hope that somewhere in all of my deconstruction, I will discover that love once more, the one without rules and labels and boxes, that just flows wherever it pleases and not just within the church, those four walls that act as the gatekeeper of a Love that knows no limits. Hope that I will find grace to lavish upon the very ones that refuse to lavish it upon others, that I will forgive because it frees my soul to do so and not because I have to in order to enter some distant paradise on the promises of those who have hurt me most in this life. 

Hope that I can be reckless once more. 



**************************************************************************

you can read my other deconstructing moments here:

    racism  

    forgiveness 

    love others 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

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