the day that never came

What am I going to do? I'm sitting in the office waiting for the results of the test. My mind is racing. My palms are sweating. Heck, I'm sweating all over. I'm scared. and nervous. and feel like throwing up. Or is that just a symptom? I'm making promises to god, which is pretty funny since I haven't talked to him in awhile. Not since the last time I needed help.
What am I going to do? Time is dragging. Where is that nurse? Shouldn't she be back by now? Is that a good sign or a bad one? I need to know the answer. No wait, I don't want to know (yes, I do). I can't bury my head in the sand (or can I?). I can't pretend like this isn't happening (right?). I have to know one way or the other. Yes or no. Positive or negative.
What am I going to do? This is crazy. How did I get here? I'm too young for this. I'm just a teen. This only happens to other people. This can't be happening to me (can it?). I did what I was supposed to do (or didn't I?). Is god punishing me for my sins? Is this karma righting a wrong?
What am I going to do? My life is a mess. Alcohol. Drugs. Abuse. A toxic relationship. I can't even save myself. I don't even love myself. Why would I even consider bringing another life into this mess? Who will help me? I will be an embarrassment to my family. and to my church. What will they say? Will they turn their backs? abandon me? judge, criticize, condemn me?
What am I going to do? I'm being crushed between the rock and the hard place, damned if I do and damned if I don't. I know what I always thought I believed. I know what my parents say, what my church says. But that was all before. Before I was actually faced with the thought, the situation, the dilemma before me now.
What am I going to do?
I'm going to have an abortion.

That was me, my thoughts, a long time ago. I cry even now when I write that line. It is inconceivable to me that I was at that point in my life. A point that, when faced with such a huge decision in my life, I felt like no one understood, no one cared. It was a difficult time. I was hell-bent on destroying myself. or letting him do it for me. I didn't know who I was. I didn't like who I was. I was trying hard to be who he wanted me to be, and that did not include the word mother. It was a typical controlling relationship. It was his way or the highway. Those were his words. I didn't want the highway. At least not yet.

I walk out in a daze. The test is negative. My body is merely playing tricks on me. I'm numb. The predicament is no longer. The issue is resolved. I don't have to make a decision. I should be happy but I can't get past the choice that I just made (almost). My body, my choice. That's what they say, right? Than why do I feel so conflicted?

I have never talked about this day before now. Not with anyone. Only with him - the would be father. I've carried this in my heart for all these years, feeling bad about myself, condemning myself for something that never even happened. Would I have done it? I don't know. I like to think no.

This is the reason behind my stance on abortion, why I will not judge another's decision. I was there (or so I thought). I had to weigh out my options, pick through my life, decide what was best at that time. The time for lectures on being abstinent, being safe, making good decisions, was long gone. I was past that. No one had to tell me how badly I was messing up, what a mistake I was making. I was completely aware of it. I didn't need to be told that I was going to hell. I was already in my own living hell, one that I had, in part, created. What I needed was support, to know that I was still accepted, that someone had my back. What I needed was to be told that I was loved unconditionally, no. matter. what.

What I needed then is what people still need today : to love and be loved, fully and completely! Condemning and judging another because of any choice that they have made is not our responsibility. Our mission is to love others. Just love.