For years, I was convinced that love was the answer. What was the question? It didn't matter. Love was always the correct response.
The church teaches that if someone wrongs us, love them. Whether the slap to the cheek is literal or metaphoric, just love them. We are reminded of the verse in Luke to "love your enemies, do good to them...then your reward will be great." We have heard many times what the ideal love, the perfect love, looks like (1 Corinthians 13). In short, the message relayed to every church goer is this: the more we love, the better a person we are.
And, as Jesus followers, we want that.
We want to be love, in the flesh.
We want to obtain this perfection.
We want to be more like Jesus.
And so, we sit under teachings that are setting us up to be used, to be victimized, to be forgivers in light of the worst atrocities, and forgetters of the sins committed against us, because That. Is. Love.
But, is it?
Is that really what Jesus meant by loving unconditionally? Does God the Father really demand a meekness from his children, no matter how many times we're slapped?
Love is many things, all of them worthy and good and beautiful, but I no longer believe that standing in the face of horrible treatment and saying, "Please, sir, I want some more"* is a sign of my worthiness or defines who I am as a lover of people.
Love, real love, should never allow the mistreatment of any person. ever.
Love, real love, stands up to adversity, declaring equality and freedom for every person. always.
For most of my life, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy. A good Christian would love more, forgive more, be more, forget more. But, as I walk this path of deconstruction, living outside of the church and religion, I am finding different life answers. and it has nothing to do with me not being enough.
The answer isn't found in sacrificing my limits to the greedy god of more; or, in becoming a human doormat to meet unattainable goals; or, in heaping mounds of love on every hard situation, on every hater, and waiting for it/them to become magically easy or nice or even more loving.
It. Doesn't. Always. Work.
A lifetime of loving is not guaranteed to make someone become loving. Ask every battered wife in an abusive marriage, desperately loving her husband. Ask every foster parent, lavishing love on a child whose own parents rejected them, and hitting a brick wall. Ask every POC who has loved, and turned their cheek, and ignored every good boundary to love the racist neighbor, coworker, fellow church member in their life in an attempt to turn the tide of hateful racism. Can love change another? Of course! Will love always change a person? No.
And, expecting that love is the only answer to the ills of this world is a manipulation of others, calling out any attempt at holding others accountable as somehow wrong.
Do I have the answer? I don't know. But, I know what works for me. Not being afraid to call out others bullshit when I see it. Having boundaries that refuse to accept racism and bigotry into my life. Recognizing what and who is good for this season of my life, letting go of all else, and understanding that that is okay. Understanding that respecting a person doesn't equal respecting their opinions. I can forgive and forget, while still setting a line in the sand that ensures those actions won't be repeated. That calling a person up into expanded thinking/beliefs is just and fair IF those thoughts/beliefs are for the greatest good of ALL people. Not allowing another's idea of perfect love distract me, manipulate me, into changing how I love and how I call out the wrong thinking and/or wrongdoings of those in my life or in this world.
All of those are facets of this captivating kaleidoscope of love that I carry within. It is right for me, and if it isn't right for you, that doesn't make it wrong. It just makes it mine.
*Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
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