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Showing posts from March, 2013

death is coming

I have been in the midst of this metamorphosis for a little over three years now. The time seems both short and long. I have grown immensely - in my relationship with my Papa, in my knowledge of who I really am, in the bonds I've formed with others. I also feel like I've barely moved forward at all, like my feet are stuck in the mud of passivity. It has been the best of times. It has been the worst of times.

I was challenged to be completely transparent, so this will be true, and raw, and completely heartfelt. The last few weeks have been brutal. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. Someone told me this : You are running out of soul juice. It's almost depleted. You can't keep relying on yourself. Rely on Him. Let Him do what He wants to do in you. Yep, that summed it up perfectly. I thought that I was relying on Him, but in reality, I was doing a lot on my own. Doing. The mindset of who I am is tied to what I do is a hard one to break. I do a lot, but that is not w…


"Standing at the crossroads, trying to read the signs, to tell me which way I should go to find the answer, and all the time I know, plant your love and let it grow." 

I don't worry about the crossroads anymore. It used to be so laborious - pray, and think, and pray, and ask others, and pray, and make a decision, and pray that I hadn't just screwed up! That doesn't mean that now I just run blindly through, not caring which way I go. I'm just not so preoccupied with making the perfect decision. Looking back, I realize how much time and energy was wasted trying to walk exactly how I thought that God wanted me to; all the guilt and condemnation I felt when I realized that I had chosen the "wrong" path. Now, I understand my Papa more, and His love for me. I understand that He is with me no matter which path I choose. I understand that life is full of decisions, and lessons are learned in those decisions, and that is a good thing. I understand that He is …


I let down my guard
allowed you behind the wall
uncovered hidden parts
and laid bare my soul.

At ease, I turned
continuing my walk
confident in our relationship
trusting your friendship.

On a quest to be true
this path seemed natural
but now I'm at a loss
was it real or imagined?

I would have understood
a knife to the back.
Betrayal is not new
we've met before.

This is far worse
pain cuts to the core.
I was there for you
where are you now?

You are still here
inside my fortress.
I feel exposed
you are impervious.

Battered and bruised
I begin anew
a wall within my walls
against your


little eyes, big revelation

If you know me at all, you know that my heart is my family. It's all I've ever wanted since I was little - a husband and children. No college. No degree. No career. Just being a wife and mom. That is my career, my job, my life. I struggled with that for years, feeling that I somehow wasn't enough, that a real woman would be able to do it all. It's not that I couldn't do it all. I don't want to do it all. I want to be available for my husband. I want to be available for my children. And now, I want to be available for my grandchildren. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. This is how God created me, and I am at peace with that. I am excited by that. I am blessed by that.

I realized after holding my first grandchild, looking into her eyes, that I have been doing everything right, that I am okay. I'm not saying that I am a perfect wife and mother. I am far from that! I am saying that God showed me that who I am is exactly who He meant me to be; tha…