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Showing posts from February, 2014

through the cracks

There is always a little bit of honesty hidden in every lie. There is always a little bit of the true me hidden in every mask. The task before me now is uncovering the truth while disposing of the lie, revealing the real while discarding the fake. It is not easy. The two have, over so much time, melded together, formed a union that wants to flee from this painful separation process.

The fear of transparency lies in the illumination of my deceptions, and scars, and faults, and secrets, and yet, also in the illumination of my authentic self. Who will accept me and who will not? Who will love me and who will not? Rejection is what created the masks to begin with, and continuing fear of that is what keeps them firmly in place.

My Daddy is so good as He lovingly coaxes me through this journey, showing me the truth of it all, the love of it all, the real of it all. I know that this illumination has less to do with me and all to do with Him. As I drop the act and allow others to see me, it …

this is where I hide my stuff

As a child growing up, we had a small closet off of our kitchen. If we had unexpected guests, we would tidy the house by putting all of our extra stuff in there - laundry, mail, papers, etc. Things that belonged to us but we didn't necessarily want out on display. What we wanted was the appearance of a house that was in order. I'll never forget the time my sister opened up that closet door and proclaimed loudly to our guests, "This is where we hide all of our stuff!"

I am the house and I have a closet where I desperately try to hide all of my stuff, my junk, those actions and secrets and habits and my past that I don't want on display. I want the appearance of a house in order, of one that has it all together, of one that is clean. What He wants is for me to be a glass house, a transparent place without hidden spots, that is wide open and exposed to all who want to see inside. He desires to shine His light right into that closet, to turn what I think is wrong int…

cleaning out the pantry...part 1

For a few weeks, God and I had been having a back and forth about my food issues, weight, and the hoarding (honestly, that is what I would have to call it) of food. It was easy for me to dismiss it by saying that I was just organized and well prepared. I mean, I am cooking for a large family. I don't want to have to run to the grocery store every few days for just one or two things, even if we are just 7 minutes away from the closest one. Or worse, be part of the way into cooking only to discover that I am missing a vital ingredient. And what if a craving hits one of us, or a blizzard that prevents travel? Wouldn't a good mom have it all on hand? I pride myself on being extremely organized about everything in my life so food would be no different. The truth is, what may have started as a desire to have all that I needed on hand, has now spiraled into having what looks like my own store. I have gone from always having two of everything - one that is currently being used and…

fight...flight...or surrender

"Never give up. Never surrender."

This quote, from the movie Galaxy Quest, is one of my favorites. It really has become a life motto, driving me through hard situations and difficult times, striving for the end when I can say "I did it. I won!" The dilemma that I now face is this : I never give up. I never surrender.

I've always thought that in any situation I've had two options :  fight or flight. I can stand my ground, fight this to the end, and be victorious. Or, I can take flight, run for cover, and let this thing win, thereby losing, which I hate. Fight or flight, win or lose, black or white. Then, God showed me a third way, a grey of sorts, where I am neither fleeing nor fighting.

The third way is Surrender. Lay down my weapons and walk off of the battlefield. Do not fight. Do not flee. Meet it face to face, and then introduce it to my Jesus, the One who has already won the battle, every battle, for me. What I am trying to overcome on my own, Hehasalr…