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Showing posts from May, 2014

secrets, shame, and sex demons...going twice

I don't recall at what age I started feeling like I was unworthy, but I do know that the notion of it has been around for a long time. Those painful moments of rejection (whether real or perceived) started a very tangible, very unsightly vine in my life that has deep roots and toxic fruit. Left unchecked, it has grown and invaded and, at times, overtaken. But no more. no. more. This process has been both hard and easy, good and bad. At times, I'm left saying to Papa, "Is this it? Is this really going to be so simple?" and at other times, crying out, "I'm done. I can't face this one more minute." But He is so, so faithful and I am confident that the end to this process is within sight.

<rejection birthed unworthiness birthed insecurity birthed undesirability birthed people-pleasing>

In order to stop the rejection, I fell headlong into the trap of people pleasing. If others were happy with what I did, who I was, what I could provide, they would …

secrets, shame, and sex demons...going once

I am a wreck. I have twenty minutes to make it to my scheduled appointment with my spiritual father. Is that enough time to grab a Starbucks? Is the caffeine and sugar high really going to be beneficial? Probably not, but food is my drug and right now I need some! I arrive, on time, coffee in hand, shaking like a leaf. I can't even speak. Instead, I hand him my journal, with three pages written out for his benefit. He wants me to put my voice to it, but I simply cannot. The shame is too great. The fear of rejection is too great. I sit huddled, shaking, crying, waiting. Is this the moment, the transgression, the truth, that will send him running? Will he stand by my side as I reveal all of me, transparency at its deepest, unmasked and exposed?

<Rejection. I know it intimately. We go back a long way. I recognize it...and yet, still am surprised at its presence. I long to be free of it...and yet, still find it lurking in the corners of my life. I hate it...and yet, have come to be …

exposing the cracks

*in order to understand this post, you can read this -forgiveness- or just realize that I spent 4 years in an abusive relationship, prior to meeting my hubby.

Conflicting thoughts run through my mind, hot and cold, good and bad, all vying for a moment to be recognized, to be dissected and examined, realized and understood, and finally, accepted. It wasn't all bad, but it obviously wasn't all good either. And I think that this is where the guilt is lurking, rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moments, in those memories of what was happy, what was good, what was (and is) a part of my life. Because let's face it. It shaped me, changed me, created new things in me. Stuff that should never have happened did, and it has made the me who stands before you now - broken and healed, fearful and fearless, sad and happy, rejected and accepted, loved and Loved. The last one is the best. To know, really know, the difference between the world's love and His Love is the only…