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Showing posts from May, 2016

flawed

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Guess what? I am flawed.
Guess what? So are you.
It isn't a bad thing. We throw the word around as if it's on the list of naughty words, one that we shouldn't claim, one that we should be striving to correct. 
Except that my life got better after I acknowledged that I am not flawless, that I am not perfect. I am who I am, and I own every single piece.
My whole Christian life I have heard "God doesn't make mistakes" and yet felt incredible pressure from these same places to conform, to fit in, to be perfect, flawless, to play whatever part necessary to be 'one of us'. 
Simon says be quiet, sit down, believe this, live like that. talk the talk. even if it isn't my voice. walk the walk. even if it isn't my path.
These two conflicting ideas - "you aren't a mistake" but "you aren't good enough" - make life miserable. Quite frankly, I am tired of being miserable, tired of playing a game, tired of pretending in order to …

dropping the reins

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In this pursuit of real, I realized that some of my closest relationships were anything but. Because I had all these expectations, all these ideals, of how they should be, how the other person should act, in order for me to have what I wanted, or felt that I needed. If I was after real, I was going to have to examine these relationships. and I was going to have to relinquish my control.
I did. I dropped the reins and handed them back to their rightful owners. I decided that I would rather have nothing than continue to force another to be an unwilling puppet in the show of my life. It sent me into a tailspin. For someone who is accustomed to being in the driver's seat, to surrender it is crushing defeat.
I struggled. I fought. I sat on my hands every time I wanted to reach over and take back the wheel. I cried out but the answer was always the same. Let it go. Let them be. Real is interaction between two free people. You have kept their hands tied long enough.
That hit me hard. My…

the journey to health, healing and wholeness

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In 2014, I was diagnosed with several medical conditions which now contribute to my life of chronic pain* and fatigue. One of these is probably something I was born with, given the length of time I've dealt with it. And it has greatly contributed to most of the others.
     By the end of 2015, I was done. done with opinions, both medical and well meaning but uninformed people. done with lack of understanding and compassion. done with appointments and techniques, medical intervention and therapies. done with going to bed in pain, only to wake up in the same nightmare. It is unbelievable to those who have never dealt with this to fully comprehend the daily life of one in chronic pain, so believe me when I say, it is hell.      Now, in 2016, it has come to this. I am stepping back and looking at this in a different light, as a whole picture instead of a part, as a total body rehab instead of pinpointed areas. I will not allow this to be my story. I will not let it stop me from …

time well spent

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You know that country song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw? Well, not to be cheesy, but I kinda feel like that.
Those were my words to hubby near the beginning of this year. No, I'm not dying. Well, technically, yes I am, but aren't we all? I mean that I don't know that I am, in a you-have-x-amount-of-time-left kind of way. It was like a lightbulb went off inside of my heart and I could see, really see, the importance of what I have encased there, of who I have sheltered within. I understood just how very precious time was. And I didn't want to waste one more day. not one. 
Time is our most precious commodity. Once spent, it can never, ever be regained. It just can't. Life doesn't work that way. I made a decision that this year would mark the beginning of my living like I was dying, of living like life matters. This is my way, which I will update periodically. 
*Intentionality is one of my key words of this whole process, as I focus on spendi…