Posts

Showing posts from 2017

death and life on the windowsill

Image
I do not have a green thumb. It isn't even a brown one. Basically, it's the black thumb that rides in on the plant horse of death. seriously. I've tried everything and eventually, the end comes for them all. It doesn't deter me from trying. I believe that one day I will have a plant that lives on, taking whatever care I give it and flourishing! 

I have a windowsill in my kitchen that currently houses four plants. Until this very morning, it was five. That fifth one gave me hope for a long time. Eighteen months, eleven days, and seventeen hours to be exact. I thought sure that we would make it, together, my beautiful plant and I. But, alas, about a month ago, things took a turn for the worse. And this morning, I decided to just let it go. 

Because I can't keep alive that which is already dead.

Standing in my kitchen, on the last day of this year, I determined that this plant was just a withered and brown representation of many other things in my life. relationships…

put your money where your mouth is

Image
Put your money where your mouth is.

I heard it clearly, but I asked again. How should we give?

Put your money where your mouth is.

About this time last year, God and I were discussing money and giving and the heart of it and this was His twice given answer to my twice asked question. I know where my mouth is a majority of the time. It's on love. If you know me, you know that this is a huge part of what I believe - that we are all called to walk in love. Nonjudging, overwhelming, indiscriminate love.

It is easy to declare love, to sprinkle the words around like glitter, sticking to everything in sight. But love is a verb. It is an action. It is words set in motion by our mouths, welling up from our heart, and followed through with some sort of activity. And now, the effort that He was asking of our family was to give from our wallets to that which we have sprinkled words over before.

I wasn't exactly sure where or how this would take place, so I simply said, "Show us and…

my truths

Image
Rejection formed a lot of my earliest thoughts about my worth, and it was from that atmosphere that people pleasing was birthed. I didn't know my truth. I simply knew theirs, and adjusted who I was accordingly. I accepted their thoughts, their opinions, their words about who I was, and I swallowed it all, deep within me, until I was all those people. and none of them. an inaccurate representation of who I was created to be.

Two years ago, I felt the shift coming. I knew that change was on the horizon, but it was hazy, unclear. Still, I welcomed it with open arms, confident that my Papa wouldn't lead me into places that He hadn't readied me for. Together we journeyed, into my known and my unknown, into my remaining masks and my authored identity, into who I thought I should be and who I was created to be.

It was here that I quieted all other voices, including mine, to hear Him. It was here that I removed all that was hindering my sight to see Him. It was here that I shifted…

I am home

Image
Everyone wants to belong somewhere. I've spent a lifetime searching for that place, and yet, always feeling like I'm sitting right outside of it. Like all of my neighbors had a block party, and despite being in the midst of it, I wasn't invited. I discovered early in life that inclusion equals security, approval, acceptance; a place to rest, be fed, grow; a home.
And I've spent my life homeless.
black or white. be tamed or live free. the church or my truth. fit in or be me. real or raw. belonging somewhere or belonging nowhere.
In each home I would come across, I would run from room to room, searching, frantic to find one that embraced me, that girl who is both black and white, who bristles at domestication and instead breathes her fierceness, who deeply loves Jesus and finds religion stifling and hypocritical, who longs to belong and chooses to stand apart. Where was that room?
The drive to belong somewhere, anywhere, has had me moving into unfit homes all my life.  S…

what marriage counseling taught me...lesson #3

Image
I am a thinker. A lot of thoughts flow in my mind and sometimes they spend an abundance of time drifting around in there. If I don't intentionally examine each one for truth, they will seek out other like-minded mates, binding together for strength and twisting in ways that mask their falsehoods. Unattended to, they will wait at the back of my throat, looking to seep out, giving voice to inaccurate representations of who I am, and worse, who others are.

Unfortunately, we seem to hurt the ones we say we love the most, and my hubby has probably been the biggest recipient of these distorted words. I know who I am. I know who he is. And yet, there are times that my wounds have walked in agreement with these flawed thoughts and created counterfeit truths. And then, I have turned these mere thoughts into detrimental words, disintegrating into narrow-minded actions. What previously had no power has now become a powerful force of destruction, a cancerous mass of cells threatening the heal…

what marriage counseling taught me...lesson #2

Image
Exactly one year ago, the hubby and I renewed our wedding vows. It wasn't our actual wedding anniversary - that is still two months away. It was a date that I had picked based on the numbers, 8/16.
 . 8 signifies the ushering in of a new era, a regeneration, and new beginnings. 16 is the number of love.
. My intentions were to start the next 25 years off more in love than ever before; to move from good to better to the best we could be together. Of course, life has a funny way of walking me through my intentions to the reward on the other side! And so, just four months later, we were sitting in an office​, across from a marriage counselor, working our way to best. (you can find that story here lesson #1)
 . It was in this office that I found a safety to explore my roots of rejection, the vines that had sprouted from that place, and the damaging fruit that I had been partaking in because of it. It had become my go-to, my comfort food of choice, my sour wine that I couldn't po…

what marriage counseling taught me...lesson #1

Image
25 years together. We've weathered a lot in that time, some of it trivial and petty, some of it damaging and painful. Why now? was the question posed to us at the beginning of our first session of marriage counseling.
There was nothing major. No breaking points. No huge disagreements​. Nothing bad. We were good. But, good was beginning to feel inadequate. Good felt like settling. We no longer wanted just good. 
We wanted to be better. We wanted the best.
And so, off we went to counseling, hubby kicking and screaming. Okay, maybe that is a bit dramatic, but definitely dragging his feet and muttering! But, he loves me more than he dislikes this new, uncomfortable situation, and so he shows up, not just physically, but all of him shows up for all of me, and I love him even more for that.
It's in this showing up that we found our better. We  found a place to be safe, to be real, to be love, to be transparent. All the aspects that we already are, just on a deeper level. We are sti…