my truths

Rejection formed a lot of my earliest thoughts about my worth, and it was from that atmosphere that people pleasing was birthed. I didn't know my truth. I simply knew theirs, and adjusted who I was accordingly. I accepted their thoughts, their opinions, their words about who I was, and I swallowed it all, deep within me, until I was all those people. and none of them. an inaccurate representation of who I was created to be.

Two years ago, I felt the shift coming. I knew that change was on the horizon, but it was hazy, unclear. Still, I welcomed it with open arms, confident that my Papa wouldn't lead me into places that He hadn't readied me for. Together we journeyed, into my known and my unknown, into my remaining masks and my authored identity, into who I thought I should be and who I was created to be.

It was here that I quieted all other voices, including mine, to hear Him. It was here that I removed all that was hindering my sight to see Him. It was here that I shifted my priorities, smashed my idols, surrendered my self, and gave my all, to sink, unhindered, wholly, into His heart. 

It was complicated and messy and hell to go through. The more quiet I became, the louder the lies screamed in my head. The more I could see, the more I questioned my sight. The more I relinquished, the more I tried to hold on. It was a battle, a tug-of-war, that pitted me against me. And still, He waited, with me, lovingly drawing me deeper into who He was, who I was, until the genuine me could stand in her rightful place, within Him.

And finally, it was here that I found my truths.

After a lifetime of questioning who I am, where I fit in, where I belong, I can confidently be me, in all places, with all people. I embrace the truths of who I am, even as I still have to live the process out, the perfecting out. There was a grieving as I had to let go of pieces that I wanted to keep, the pieces that allowed me to blend more, be accepted more, be loved more. Even now, I want to tailor my actions to bring acceptance, adjust my outspokenness to still the boats my words rock, redesign my uniqueness to fit in to the puzzle of status quo. But, more than that, I want what I assume every person wants - to be loved for who they are.

Adapting. Camouflaging. Conforming...they are curse words to living a life of authenticity. I cannot, I will not, change who I am, not anymore.
This is me. This is who He made me to be. and these are my truths.



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