Skip to main content

my truths

Rejection formed a lot of my earliest thoughts about my worth, and it was from that atmosphere that people pleasing was birthed. I didn't know my truth. I simply knew theirs, and adjusted who I was accordingly. I accepted their thoughts, their opinions, their words about who I was, and I swallowed it all, deep within me, until I was all those people. and none of them. an inaccurate representation of who I was created to be.

Two years ago, I felt the shift coming. I knew that change was on the horizon, but it was hazy, unclear. Still, I welcomed it with open arms, confident that my Papa wouldn't lead me into places that He hadn't readied me for. Together we journeyed, into my known and my unknown, into my remaining masks and my authored identity, into who I thought I should be and who I was created to be.

It was here that I quieted all other voices, including mine, to hear Him. It was here that I removed all that was hindering my sight to see Him. It was here that I shifted my priorities, smashed my idols, surrendered my self, and gave my all, to sink, unhindered, wholly, into His heart. 

It was complicated and messy and hell to go through. The more quiet I became, the louder the lies screamed in my head. The more I could see, the more I questioned my sight. The more I relinquished, the more I tried to hold on. It was a battle, a tug-of-war, that pitted me against me. And still, He waited, with me, lovingly drawing me deeper into who He was, who I was, until the genuine me could stand in her rightful place, within Him.

And finally, it was here that I found my truths.

After a lifetime of questioning who I am, where I fit in, where I belong, I can confidently be me, in all places, with all people. I embrace the truths of who I am, even as I still have to live the process out, the perfecting out. There was a grieving as I had to let go of pieces that I wanted to keep, the pieces that allowed me to blend more, be accepted more, be loved more. Even now, I want to tailor my actions to bring acceptance, adjust my outspokenness to still the boats my words rock, redesign my uniqueness to fit in to the puzzle of status quo. But, more than that, I want what I assume every person wants - to be loved for who they are.

Adapting. Camouflaging. Conforming...they are curse words to living a life of authenticity. I cannot, I will not, change who I am, not anymore.
This is me. This is who He made me to be. and these are my truths.


  










Comments

Popular posts from this blog

racism inside of america...part 1 - in the church

Because this post also fits into another of my series - where the church gets it wrong - I will add the same disclaimer:

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church (When I say "church", I mean as a whole entity, not necessarily one denomination or actual building, etc., but as I see her, the Bride of Jesus, of which I am a part. I do not mean to condemn or judge her as an outsider, but simply to encourage her to even greater love, from the inside out. I also acknowledge my own involvement in the past (and even now) in less than stellar behavior before fully grasping just how deep and wide and far the grace and love of our Father flows.) can fully be operational in His Love.

Racism. It's a dressed up word for an ugliness that this country seems unable, or unwilling, to purge itself from. The struggles have been long and hard for all people of …

where the church gets it wrong...mental illness

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church* can fully be operational in His Love.




Suicide.
It is all over the news this week. again. And every time, my thoughts are the same : why do we have people around us who are hopeless? We are supposed to carry the very essence of Hope within us, so what are we, The Church, doing wrong?

For starters, we are not acknowledging mental illness. I know this firsthand. (You can read about our family's struggle with mental illness and acceptance here ) We question the validity of science, and the exact causes of depression and anxiety. Science is not the enemy here. The enemy is our flagrant stubbornness to recognize the truth of many studies performed by those more qualified than I.

We offer our thoughts, opinions, and prayers, and little else in the way of actual help. Do I believe in the healing power of positivity? of p…

what marriage counseling taught me...lesson #5

The journey for us started 21 months ago. It has been one of the best gifts that we have ever given ourselves. We’ve grown in ways that we only imagined before and can honestly say that our marriage is stronger, deeper, and better than ever before. We are living in the best, that elusive place we longed for.

I don’t mind sharing our journey with all of you. Sooner or later, all of the pieces of my life make it into these pages. This post is one of those pieces that I’ve kept to myself and my close others for awhile. This part of our journey has been mine alone.

...

5 sessions in and I knew. We couldn’t continue until I found some healing. What I was searching for with us - a whole, healthy relationship - was being hindered by my own brokenness. I was dragging every piece of my shattered life, from childhood on, into this marriage and expecting...

...Expecting him to fix me, to fix all the tarnished and busted parts; to climb down from his white horse, in his shiny armor, and be the …