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the first time

The first time.
It was not what I expected. I mean, if anyone really has an expectation of what it might be like. I was aware that the day would come. I was naive, but I also saw the signs. It was a progression of events. Events leading up to that time.
The first time.
So many feelings, so many emotions rushing through me. Disbelief. Mistrust. Sadness. Anger. Defeat. Brokenness. Had that really just happened? Did the man I love just hit me? 
The first time.
It was just the first of many more times. Always with the same results. I apologized. I changed. I took responsibility. He felt justified.
The first time.
Today's Sherri would love to go back to that day and tell that Sherri, "You are smart, and beautiful, and worthy. You deserve to be treated as such. You cannot save him. You can only save yourself. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Walk away now. This will not be the only time, this will just be the first time."


************************************************************************************
There are many reasons why I chose to stay for four years in an abusive relationship. I blame no one, not even him. I made decisions based on who I was at that time. Looking back, they may not have been the best decisions, but it's impossible to change them now. They made me who I am today. Even though this is a part of my past that few know about, it played a big part in shaping the Sherri that you know now - both in bad and good ways. Life is full of lessons, and when I finally had the courage to leave that situation for good, I had learned a lot. I try hard to find the good in everything. I refuse to believe that that period of my life was all bad. It wasn't. I made friends during that time that I still have. I learned. I loved. I grew. I changed. And I stayed the same.

~~ I'm hoping that I've made it clear enough, but in case I didn't : This is about my past. This is not about the man I love now.
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