Skip to main content

cleaning out my closet

You may wonder what that is behind me. Let me introduce you. It's my closet. I take it with me wherever I go. Like Superman, I walk in, then reappear in costume. I have a lot. Too many. So tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet.
.
There's some old ones shoved way in the back. They haven't been worn in years, but occasionally make their way to the front. They taunt me. I did my best to do them proud. I failed.
.
There are worn ones. I wear them often. They don't fit me, but they do fit other's ideas of me. Grudgingly, I put them on and become what they want me to be. Each time, I lose a little piece of me. I hate them.
.
There are fancy ones. The good ones. Reserved for times where I need to impress others with who I am, or who I think that I want to be. I keep these separate. In my mind that somehow makes them better. They're not.
.
There are tight ones. Constricting. There is no flexibility, no room for growth, and change, and newness, and creativity. In these, I am being restricted, my airflow cut off. They are strangling the life from me.
.
So tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet.
.
It feels good. The trash bags are filling up. As I pull each one out, I realize the lie that created it in the first place - the lie that kept me going back to it, wearing it time and time again. My vision is clear. I see them for the ugly costumes that they are. The fake me that I wore, hiding the real me underneath. I was trying to please, make everyone happy. I didn't realize the extent of the damage being done under the mask.
.
Tonight, I cleaned out my closet. There is just one hanger there now, but it will remain empty. It is for the most beautiful, handcrafted, perfectly fitting garment. I am wearing it. It allows me freedom to be true, and real, and be me. It allows me to move in who I am. I have actually been wearing it all of my life, hidden underneath. It feels good. It feels right. It feels perfect. It is me.




**based on Cleanin' Out My Closet by Eminem
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

and the honor goes to...part 1

This will be a series of posts in which I honor people who have made an impact in my life, both in my past and in my present. I am blessed to still have some of these people in my life; others have left this life for their next one; others are no longer a part of my close circle, yet still made a difference to me. I want to share them with you. I want to honor them. I want them to know how much I love and respect them. The first one is dedicated to my childhood babysitter, Pat B. Growing up, both of my parents worked. This meant that my sister and I went to a babysitter when we were younger. We had a few, but the one that we spent the most time with, and that I remember the most, lived right up the road from us. We were actually neighbors, but being in the country, that meant a cornfield separated us. I recall being there when I was in kindergarten until I was old enough to stay by myself, probably around 12 or 13. I love to reminisce about my time there. It was my home away from ...
5 comments
Read more

no more hiding

I first published this in May of 2013. A lot has changed in that time. A lot has stayed the same. There are updates at the end of this post. One of my daughters is on a daily SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) or, in layman's terms, an antidepressant. She was diagnosed with the main dish of Anxiety Disorder, with a side of depression. I can joke about it now - and she can too - but it hasn't always been that way. . We first encountered it years ago. At the time we sought church-based counseling but nothing else in the way of help for her. She was so young that I just couldn't imagine putting her on a medication. I had a hard time even accepting that she might have a mental disorder. We got through that time - barely - and went on without it rearing its head again. But when it resurfaced three years ago, it did so with a vengeance. This time, I was better equipped myself to deal with it. There was no hesitation. We immediately saw a doctor, got a prescrip...
2 comments
Read more

the gift of covid-19

" But there never seems to be enough time To do the things you want to do Once you find them..."     ~ Time In A Bottle by Jim Croce Time. How many of us would wish for more time? I would. At the end of many days, I wish that I had just a few more hours, or one more day, or to somehow stop the world from spinning by so quickly so that I could accomplish more, do more, be more. But, it doesn't work that way. We are all given the exact same minutes in a day to decide what is important, who and what holds our attentions, our hearts. If, at the end of today, I am wishing for more time, it is because I chose to mismanage the gift of time that I have already received. I found out Friday that my job would be on a 2 week break due to the corona virus. I am an aide/occasional driver on a school van. It takes less than 4 hours out of my day, but my mind started immediate calculations about how I could spend these extra minutes. I spent wasted time dreaming about sl...
1 comment
Read more