Skip to main content

in the rearview mirror

*October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month



I could rummage through the memories, pinpointing exact moments, specific events or words, that, undoubtedly, led this younger me to fall prey to an abusive man. 

...and I have.

I could lay blame at the feet of circumstances or people in my life, shrugging off the cover of responsibility, and live under the banner of victim.

...and I have.

I could absolve it all, each contributor to the broken me, and allow guilt and condemnation to weigh me down, into darkness, where I justify him, where I excuse him, and live under the banner of unworthy.

...and I have.

I have, at one time or another, processed through all of these, trying desperately to find answers, to find reasons, to find healing. And, I just can't. Not anymore.

It happened. There may be a hundred reasons. There may only be one. But, life happens. I'm tired of putting my newfound freedom on hold while I travel back in time to fix what can't be fixed, to question what can't be answered. I am free. I could walk away from my bondages, and yet, I would rather pick them up and inspect them for every minute piece that kept me captive.

If I am constantly considering my past in the rearview mirror, I am walking a crooked path forward. 

And so, I lay it down - the questions, the blame, the lack of it, all of it - and I just let it go. I may be a part of a statistic but I refuse to live one more minute as if that matters to who I am today. Did it shape pieces? make me wore wary, less trusting? Sure. But, if I allow this part of my past to shape any part of my identity today, I allow him the final blow...and that, well that is not how this story will end!






In the United States, every minute 20 people are physically abused by an intimate partner. This is not a light subject. This is a very real, very frightening statistic that not one person should be subjected to. I spent four years in an abusive relationship. I didn't know the statistics then. I only knew the fear of which minute would be mine. This post is my walk through my choice of healing. If you are a part of this horrible statistic, I honor you and however you choose to walk out your own healing. Know that you are loved and you are worthy.








Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

the deconstruction of my life and other not-so-fun moments : reckless love

    About ten years ago, I caught on to this revolutionary (to me) idea of radical love. I wanted more than anything to be   Love, the mouthpiece, the hands, the feet of Jesus, the very embodiment of all that love is. I spoke about love and forgiveness, acceptance and grace. I was the voice. I helped feed the hungry and clothe the poor. I was the hands. I went about my life, in my own town, in another country, spreading this newfound love. I was the feet. The more I swam in the deep of this reckless sea of unadulterated love, the freer I was. It was liberating like no other point of my christian walk had been. I knew authenticity and openness and joy in limitless ways. This love was overflowing and I gave it away freely. but The church is not in the free business. It became quite clear that I was being too   free with my approach. Yes, god gives grace, BUT... Yes, god forgives, BUT... Yes, god accepts all, BUT... Of course god loves all, BUT... So, I tempered my love...
Post a Comment
Read more

and the honor goes to...part 1

This will be a series of posts in which I honor people who have made an impact in my life, both in my past and in my present. I am blessed to still have some of these people in my life; others have left this life for their next one; others are no longer a part of my close circle, yet still made a difference to me. I want to share them with you. I want to honor them. I want them to know how much I love and respect them. The first one is dedicated to my childhood babysitter, Pat B. Growing up, both of my parents worked. This meant that my sister and I went to a babysitter when we were younger. We had a few, but the one that we spent the most time with, and that I remember the most, lived right up the road from us. We were actually neighbors, but being in the country, that meant a cornfield separated us. I recall being there when I was in kindergarten until I was old enough to stay by myself, probably around 12 or 13. I love to reminisce about my time there. It was my home away from ...
5 comments
Read more

where the church gets it wrong...loving yourself

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church* can fully be operational in Love. “That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself.” ~ Luke 10:27  The Message Growing up in a conservative church, I heard this verse plenty of times, usually with the emphasis on one of two parts. Either we were learning how to love God, or we were learning how to love others.  That colored my thoughts, and therefore my actions, on what loving myself looked like. Turn the other cheek. Be a doormat. Put others needs ahead of my own. Love with no boundaries. Loving myself equaled being self-centered. In these past few years, my understanding of this has changed, evolved into a place where I am beginning to comprehend just how revolutionary it is. I am grasping just...
Post a Comment
Read more