Riding the bus during my childhood school years became my first memories of boys and bullying and the inexcusable being excused. These boys were older and they were, by far, worse than any "mean girls" I've encountered since. They were persistent and loud. They were relentless and aggressive. and they were never stopped.
My first encounter of being groped was on that very same bus. A different boy but just as aggressive, just as persistent, just as relentless. A foundation had already been formed. I was less than and had no voice, no backbone, no knowledge to fight this surrounding system of boys will be boys. and I never stopped him.
Years later, I would encounter this same attitude in the workplace, the one that had me trying to avoid the handsy cook in the walk-in, that had me laughing off customers advances so that I could make enough tips to support myself, that had me scared because a forceful patron had followed me home from my job at the bar and now knew where I lived.
If you ask me, I will tell you that I have been bullied, that I have my own me too story, that I am a domestic abuse survivor. I will take years of racist bullying, too many sexual improprieties to count, a sexual assault that scarred me permanently, and years of physical abuse at the hands of an ex, and I will wrap it up in a nice package, tie a pretty pink bow on it, and say, yeah me too.
My daughter pointed this out to me recently, my way of condensing a whole narrative into one or two words, of not acknowledging that I have had these horrible, separate experiences that have damaged me. In essence, I was giving these men a pass. I was guilty myself of deciding that boys will be boys, that fighting against a system of toxic masculinity was too hard.
But, at what cost?
I deserve better than shoving years of being treated as unworthy under the rug of blind acceptance of men being less than who they were created to be.
My daughters deserve to live in a world of being seen as equal, as whole, as persons worthy of respect and acceptance, not as sexual objects or something to be possessed.
My sons deserve to live in a world where masculinity is seen as the positives that they exhibit, where strength and emotions can walk side by side in harmony.
I watched, and immediately shared, Gillette's new commercial, "The Best Men Can Be". I read the backlash. I observed those I know grow defensive. I viewed the process of thinking that led from being offended to denial to justification.
I watched as men that have amazing, true masculine qualities, immediately dismissed the validity of toxic masculinity, and began circling the wagons. I was even more saddened to watch women link hands with them, fueling their cries of "leftist agenda, radical feminism, and toxic femininity".
I don't have a side. I can see clearly enough to know that we all have moments of falling short of being the best we can be. I'm not after apologies, excuses, or atonement. I am making great strides at healing my self from all of my experiences, without having any of these. I refuse to allow what has happened to me make me anybody other that the person I was created to be. I am not anyone's victim.
But, if some men cannot or will not erase this toxicity from within their midst, than women like me will continue to speak out. Men like my husband will continue to have open conversations in which they acknowledge this troublesome issue and strive to be better. Parents like us will continue to raise women who know their worth and men who respect them. Daughters like ours will continue to stand strong in their true femininity and embolden others around them to do the same. Sons like ours will continue to stand strong in their true masculinity and encourage others around them to rise up into the same. Companies and organizations and creative minds and lovers of all people will continue to keep these important issues at the forefront until true change comes.
True masculinity is breathtaking to behold. It isn't a curse. It isn't women's secret agenda to eradicate all signs of masculinity in a pitiful attempt to takeover this world. It is simply a goal of having true masculinity walk in compatibility with true femininity.
Together, we can create a better world, an accepting world, and most definitely, a more loving world.
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