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choosing my religion



Several months ago, I shared about my walk away from religion (you can read that here). Looking back, I realize that the path away from organized religion had really started years before. Back when I was a teen questioning the black and white rules. Back when I was an idealistic new wife and mom questioning the patriarchy within the church. Back when I dared to voice my belief in a large gray area where grace resided and love covered all.

Every one of these thoughts, and more, was conceived inside of my heart before I ever gave birth to their words aloud.. As a (former) people pleaser, I didn't want to offend, to alienate. I didn't want to be different, the outsider. I wanted to belong. I wanted acceptance. I wanted love. And the price tag for that was the silence of my truths.

Can I just tell you how very damaging that silence was? How every time I swallowed down what my heart was telling me, another piece of me was buried? Another facet of  who I am  was layered under a mask of church-sanctioned appropriateness? That for every veil removed, another one slipped into place, going from one disguise to the next in a maddening dance of blindness? Until, exhausted, I ripped them all away, revealing the real and the raw and the naked truth of who I am, in both an angry display of boldness and a liberating exhibition of clarity.

Suddenly, with that 20/20 vision we all possess, I could see, really see, with a clearness that was blinding. It took my breath away like that first intake on a bitterly cold day. It stopped me in my tracks. What was I to do now? That which I had used as my security blanket was lying all about my feet, a garish array of misguided intentions. 

Losing my religion was not easy. It was a difficult and deliberate choice to step over everything that I had walked in for most of my life. I left beliefs, people, and a crumbling foundation in my wake, not in a 'I want to do this' fashion but in a 'my very spirit is screaming out for more' way.
 
And, I began again. Only this time, I am choosing my religion, so to speak. I am digging through my remnants, picking up what is mine and discarding the rest. I am starting anew, with a different but firm foundation. I am walking my path, my way, for the first time ever. and it is perfect.








'Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be...
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again



So when your hope's on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
 
 
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I'll be found
With my stake stuck in this ground 
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul



The Cave/Hopeless Wanderer/Roll Away Your Stone ~ Mumford & Sons



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