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what marriage counseling taught me...lesson #2

Exactly one year ago, the hubby and I renewed our wedding vows. It wasn't our actual wedding anniversary - that is still two months away. It was a date that I had picked based on the numbers, 8/16.
 . 8 signifies the ushering in of a new era, a regeneration, and new beginnings. 16 is the number of love.
. My intentions were to start the next 25 years off more in love than ever before; to move from good to better to the best we could be together. Of course, life has a funny way of walking me through my intentions to the reward on the other side! And so, just four months later, we were sitting in an office​, across from a marriage counselor, working our way to best. (you can find that story here lesson #1)
 . It was in this office that I found a safety to explore my roots of rejection, the vines that had sprouted from that place, and the damaging fruit that I had been partaking in because of it. It had become my go-to, my comfort food of choice, my sour wine that I couldn't po…

what marriage counseling taught me...lesson #1

25 years together. We've weathered a lot in that time, some of it trivial and petty, some of it damaging and painful. Why now? was the question posed to us at the beginning of our first session of marriage counseling.
There was nothing major. No breaking points. No huge disagreements​. Nothing bad. We were good. But, good was beginning to feel inadequate. Good felt like settling. We no longer wanted just good. 
We wanted to be better. We wanted the best.
And so, off we went to counseling, hubby kicking and screaming. Okay, maybe that is a bit dramatic, but definitely, dragging his feet and muttering! But, he loves me more than he dislikes this new, uncomfortable situation, and so he shows up, not just physically, but all of him shows up for all of me, and I love him even more for that.
It's in this showing up that we found our better. We  found a place to be safe, to be real, to be love, to be transparent. All the aspects that we already are, just on a deeper level. We are st…

fear is a liar

Fear is an ugly and demanding master. 
I had to take my poor doggy, Zero, to the vet two days ago. We were sure that it would be a quick and easy fix, and we would be on our way. Initially, they agreed. But, afterward, we left with the problem unresolved, looking much worse than before, with meds in hand, another appointment, and a hope that it would resolve itself at home.
Except, fear had already been spoken. "Maybe, it's not what we think. Maybe, it's worse. Maybe, it's the dreaded C word - cancer." 
I won't lie. I almost lost it right there, in that little examination room. My mind was instantly transported back in time, to a same little room, right down the hall, where we had lost our last dog. No matter what they said, fear had been whispered in my ear, and now it was washing over my mind,  infiltrating my heart, and claiming my future.
Fortunately, the issue actually did resolve itself within a day, and we are moving on.
Last night, I needed to pick u…

square pegs and round holes

I stand on the outskirts, anxiously awaiting that coveted nod, the one that will verify my entrance into a band of brothers, all chosen, all accepted, all wanted. 
I stand as other names are called, as others celebrate their new placement, as they step into the spot that I desired to fill.
I stand, long after they have moved on, feeling the sting of rejection, again, as if transported back in time to schoolyard games, and captains, and picking sides, and never, ever wanting to be chosen last. 
And I realize that there is a world of difference between being picked last and not being picked at all.
I raise my chin up, quivering as it is, and determine to try again. I wipe away the pesky drops of weakness from my eyes. I look around and notice, for the first time, the rest of the crowd. Smiling. Waving. Motioning me over. I glance behind me, searching for the more worthy one, and I hear my Father say, "It is you. It has always been you. For while you have been working to fit your s…

in the rearview mirror

*October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I could rummage through the memories, pinpointing exact moments, specific events or words, that, undoubtedly, led this younger me to fall prey to an abusive man. 
...and I have.
I could lay blame at the feet of circumstances or people in my life, shrugging off the cover of responsibility, and live under the banner of victim.
...and I have.
I could absolve it all, each contributor to the broken me, and allow guilt and condemnation to weigh me down, into darkness, where I justify him, where I excuse him, and live under the banner of unworthy.
...and I have.
I have, at one time or another, processed through all of these, trying desperately to find answers, to find reasons, to find healing. And, I just can't. Not anymore.
It happened. There may be a hundred reasons. There may only be one. But, life happens. I'm tired of putting my newfound freedom on hold while I travel back in time to fix what can't be fixed, to question what can&…

sex, values, and that other v word

WARNING : This post does contain some vulgar language.

The latest controversy concerning Donald Trump is all over the news and social media. And while he is running for our highest office, I am choosing not to make this a political post. Instead, I want to view this from a perspective of sex, values, and that other v word.

By now, I am sure that you have read or listened to the words that Trump had to say about women and the power he feels that his celebrity rank affords him. He isn't the first to use those words. He won't be the last. He isn't even the only man who has used his money, status or notoriety to add another notch to his bed. That definitely doesn't make his statements okay. What it does do is shine a light on what has become the norm; accepted into our society as "boys will be boys" or "no harm, no foul" because words are just words, right?


Our speech mirrors the thoughts already roaming around our heart. More times than not, onc…

where the church gets it versus them

I desire open, honest, and nonjudgmental communication from all people and all views and all ideas. The words of my posts are simply my own thoughts on how the church* can fully be operational in His Love.

The church mistakenly gives the impression that we have cornered the market on God's love. We stand atop our soapboxes touting our views as if they are the only truth, looking down our judgmental noses, and trying to sway them to our side. You know, in a me versus you, us versus them, right versus wrong, sort of way. We use fear tactics and condemning words. We are critical and discriminating. We affix our sanctimonious masks firmly, denying our own lessor evils, and protest loudly about their greater sins. We do all of this while claiming His great love.
Here is what I believe about His great love :  He abundantly lavishes it on everyone, pursuing us ALL with reckless abandon, desiring relationship with each one of His children.  He doesn't care about which church you atten…